Together Forever

A Funny Wedding Photoshoot

Who Is The Father

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."

With Gattina & Shakira

Hangover Confusion

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

 

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"

 

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. 

 

His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
 

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". 

 

Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
 

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes and shoes off, you said, "LADY, LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED . . . !"

 

Moral of the story:

Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – "PRICELESS "

Weekend Funnies

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing of having committed adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said: "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they have "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well... until the priest died at a ripe, old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed concerned.

The priest said: "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said: "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."

With Gattina & Shakira.

Payday Friday

 A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"  He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But , the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Attitude

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I cant wear your trousers," she said.

"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said, "I cant get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."

 Source: Jokes Gallery

Till death do you part...

A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’

‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’

Girl to her boyfriend: 'One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.'
 
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

Wife: ‘You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?’

Hubby: ‘When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.’
 
Wife: ‘You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you!’
 
Hubby: ‘Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?’

Weekend Funnies

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells out, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
 

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then replies, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
     
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
     
He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon."
     
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
     
He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours"
     
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
     
He said, "I can't remember where I live!"

Karl and Milly were lying in bed one night. Carl was falling asleep but Milly was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
     

Wearily Karl reached across, held her hand for a second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep.
     
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
     

Mildly irritated, he leaned across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to sleep.
     
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
    
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
     
"Where are you going?" she asked.
     
"To the bathroom to get my teeth," he replied.

Weekend Funnies#11
(May 21st-23rd,2010) 

WHAT IS WEEKEND FUNNIES? 

Shakira of You Are Never Alone hosts Weekend Funnies.

Thursday 13

13 Random [Funny] Quotes on Marriage

1.

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
-- Molly McGee

2.

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!
-- Richard Jeni

3.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
-- Anonymous

4.

In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to 'Until debt do us part'.
-- Sam Ewing (June 1994, National Enquirer)

5.

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.
-- Shelley Winters

6.

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.
-- Unknown

7.

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
-- Helen Rowland

8.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner

9.

All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.
-- Lord Byron

10.

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
-- Joey Adams

11.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed.
-- Albert Einstein
 

12.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

13.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
-- Clint Eastwood

"The Thursday 13 is a weekly meme with a simple theme: each Thursday you blog a list of 13 things. What kind of things? Any kind! Just come up with a list theme and run with it."

Dis-enchanted Couple-dom

The following are testimonies of married people:

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. The God created man and rested. Then God created woman.

Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four policemen and a dog.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted." Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son. I'm still paying."

Secret To Old Age

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now. "

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness program.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."