Weekend Funnies~ Doctor Says... Happy Mothers Day!

 Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your  heart is only good for so many  beats, and that's it...  don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out  eventually.  Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend  the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer?  Take a  nap.

Q: Should  I cut  down on meat and  eat more fruits and  vegetables?
A: You  must grasp  logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?   Hay and corn.   And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak  is nothing more  than an efficient mechanism of  delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?   Eat  chicken.   Beef is also a good source  of field grass  (green leafy vegetable).   And a pork chop can  give you  100% of your recommended daily allowance of  vegetable  products. 

Q: Should  I reduce my  alcohol intake?
A:  No,  not at all.  Wine is made from  fruit.  Brandy is  distilled wine,  that means they take the water out of  the fruity bit so you  get even more of the goodness that  way.   Beer is also made out  of grain.  So have a cup now and then! 
Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well,  if you have a body and you have  fat, your ratio is one  to one.  If you have two bodies, your  ratio is two to  one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular  exercise  program?
A: Can't  think of a single one, sorry.  My  philosophy is: No  Pain...Good!
  
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? 

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not. When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
 

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO!!! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around.

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey, 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways- Chardonnay in one hand- Chocolate in the other- body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WooHoo... What A Ride!!!" 


AND...

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and  health. It's a relief to know the  truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 

1. The Japanese eat VERY LITTLE FAT
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat A LOT OF FAT
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink VERY LITTLE RED WINE
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink A LOT OF RED WINE
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink A LOT OF BEERS and eat LOTS OF SAUSAGES and FATS and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

 CONCLUSION:

Eat  and Drink What You Like.
Speaking English is apparently What Kills You.  

Thanks to Shakira of You Are Never Alone
for hosting this very entertaining and relaxing weekend meme.

To all the Mothers out there, 

Happy Moms Day!!!

A Message For My Mom:

 Unfortunately, I'm off early to another city tomorrow in preparation for our national and local elections on Monday. Too bad I won't be spending Mothers Day with my kids and my mom. :(

Oh well, work is work.  See you all next week, guys!