15 March, 2009

Beware of Court Stenographers.. They Can't Keep Your Secret

You'd be surprised at what you can find in your Inbox if you take the time to go over all your old emails. I found this and thought you might want to laugh with me again. I do need a good laugh right now.


These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the time of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing that your husband said that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "where am I Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.


ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam???


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uhh, he's twenty-one...


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uhh...


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


ATTORNEY: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his BRAIN was sitting on my DESK in a JAR.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is POSSIBLE that he could have been ALIVE and PRACTICING LAW.


2 comments:

KAT said...

OMG!! These were hysterical!! And it's so true, you hear stupid questions like this being asked and answered on court TV!!

Thanks for the laugh!!

Take care,
Kat

suedonim16 said...

Im reading this in the wee hours of the morning and it sure gave me a good laugh.. hahaha...thanks for posting, Ms. Bing!
God bless! =)