Have A Funny Weekend

Welcome to the Weekend Funnies which is jointly hosted by 

Shakira @ You are never alone! and Gattina @ Writer's Cramps.

Happy Weekend to Everyone!!!

Around The World (Weekend Funnies)

Here's something to perk up your lazy Sunday... have a fun ride !!!
(to the tune of the Black Eyed Peas' Pump It)

With Gattina & Shakira

Who Is The Father

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."

With Gattina & Shakira

Weekend Funnies- Juan The Smuggler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. A guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, lifts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discover that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events repeats every day for three years. Then one day, Juan doesn't show up. The guard meets up with him in a cantina in Mexico.

"Hey buddy," the guard says, "I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

"Bicycles," Juan says. :D

Gattina @ Writer's Cramps  

and  

Shakira @ You are never alone!

Hooray for Saturday!@Kathy

There's Humor In Fatherhood

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. Red Buttons

A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again. Enid Bagnold

A father carries pictures where his money used to be. Anonymous

The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get. Tim Russert

A man knows when he is growing old because he begins to look like his father. Gabriel Garcia Márquez

To be a successful father... there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years. Ernest Hemingway 

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. Mark Twain

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards. Robert Orben

My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.  Spike Milligan

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ! Bill Cosby

English 101 for Men and Women

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

WOMEN 101

 

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.  For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.  However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish..............................49
Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills

Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie
Friendship first...................Former slut

Fun..................................Annoying
Gentle..............................Dull
New Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................Bitch
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer

Thanks to

Shakira of You Are Never Alone

Kat of Me & My Memes

It Is What It Probably Is

This Is What Lousy Film Editing 

Looks Like...

Aren't you supposed to hold the trigger to shoot someone???

Hmmm... an airplane in the Trojan War???

Bows, arrows... and cellphones in the olden days???

Wow! Adidas???

Hmmmm... branded pirate!!!

This Is What Sad Looks Like...

This Is What Sorry Looks Like...

This Is What What Bad Spelling Looks Like...

This Is What Intimacy Looks Like...

This Is What Deaf Looks Like...

This Is What Stupid Looks Like...

This Is What "oh @#@##" Looks Like...

This Is What Your Tax Dollars Look Like...

This Is What McBurnt Looks Like...

This Is What A Nightmare Looks Like...

This Is What A Blonde's Car Looks Like...

This Is What "I Thought Your Husband Was Out of Town" 

 Looks Like...

Source: Sunshine's email

Shakira of You Are Never Alone! hosts

Weekend Funnies#12

May 28st- 30th,2010

(Friday- Sunday)

Kat of Me & My Memes hosts

Hooray for Saturday

Weekend Funnies

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells out, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
 

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then replies, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
     
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
     
He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon."
     
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
     
He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours"
     
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
     
He said, "I can't remember where I live!"

Karl and Milly were lying in bed one night. Carl was falling asleep but Milly was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
     

Wearily Karl reached across, held her hand for a second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep.
     
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
     

Mildly irritated, he leaned across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to sleep.
     
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
    
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
     
"Where are you going?" she asked.
     
"To the bathroom to get my teeth," he replied.

Weekend Funnies#11
(May 21st-23rd,2010) 

WHAT IS WEEKEND FUNNIES? 

Shakira of You Are Never Alone hosts Weekend Funnies.